


a thousand times over

by probee



Category: NCIS
Genre: Gen, episode: s17e02: Into The Light, i just have so many feelings you guys, post-episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-02
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2020-11-10 17:53:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20855837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/probee/pseuds/probee
Summary: It's not the anger that hurts. It's the disappointment.





	a thousand times over

He waits a beat inside the shed, frozen in place by her accusation.

_I waited for you and you never came._

He has felt failure in life a thousand times over. He’s even wrestled with this in the last three days since she’s been back. Justified to himself. To her. _You were dead_. 

Somewhere deep inside, though, he knows she’s right. 

_I left you a trail._ He was brutally honest when he confessed that he wouldn’t have survived losing her again. Of this he is certain, as certain as he is that he lost himself after the girls left him. Yet it’s not the feeling of failure that stings, that he let her down. 

It’s the disappointment. 

The dejected look in her eyes, even as she made peace with him, that somehow he hadn’t measured up. That his love for her had its limits, when hers knew none. And he promises on the spot that he is going to make that up to her, if that is the last thing he ever does. 

— 

He breathes in, deeply. The musty room mixed with the familiar scent of the timber walls, infused with her. It’s sensory overload, in what has already been an emotional onslaught of a day, and for a moment he wonders if he can even make it back to his own house. It is late and he is tired, so he supposes he may as well follow suit. 

He marches through the garden path in their mysterious operative’s backyard — those questions still unanswered for another day — that leads back to city streets and harsh realities, and as he rounds the corner, he catches sight of the woman who gave up everything for him all those years ago. She fishes for something in her bag, ruffling through the books and clothes and a handful of objects that won’t make it past TSA, until she finds what she seeks. 

She takes deep breaths. In. Out. In. Out. He can just make out the quiver in her lips from where he stands, punching him in the gut because he can’t stand that he’s hurt her. Giving herself a minute, she wipes away the stray tears escaping down her cheeks, then sees her pull her shoulders back and steel herself. She brings the phone to her ear, and while he knows he shouldn’t intrude — has no right to intrude — he cannot help it. After so long without her, he still can’t believe he’s laying eyes on her, and he wants to record every second before she disappears into the night, for who knows how long until her ghost returns to haunt him. 

“Hey, it’s me,” she utters softly — gentler than he’s used to her expressing these days — and he sees a weight lift off her. She deflates to the point that he wonders if he needs help standing up, but thinks better of it. Some things she needs to do by herself. 

Even from the distance, he can hear the agitation in the voice on the other end of the line. “I know, I’m sorry. I ditched the burner phone earlier and I could not contact y— Yes, I know you called him, I was right there with him… No, I am fine, really… _We got her_.” 

Then there is a pause. 

“Yes, I am coming home. I am finally coming home.” 

She begins to cry, and he suspects her partner is doing the same on the other side of the Atlantic. 

“I… will tell you all about it. I’m… I’m just too tired right now. How is Tali?” 

He can’t imagine the elation that DiNozzo must be feeling, in his own prison for the last six years, now being released into his brave new world. It’s enough to bring him to his own knees. She’s speaking in hushed tones now, in what he’s certain is reserved just for him, her mounting exhaustion evident even in the dark of this night. 

“Soon. I already booked my flight. I’m taking a redeye tonight. I should land around supper time… No, do not bother, traffic is going to be hell, it will be faster if I take the RER… _Fine_.” There is the faintest hint of a smile in her voice. As their conversation continues, the smile is now visible, which almost makes _him_ cry. “How do you think she is going to take it? … I know, but it has been so long, and I am just… I am scared, Tony.” 

He hopes she knows how much she is loved. That she is worthy of their love. That her little girl won’t care that she’s been gone for three minutes or three years. That her father once moved mountains to find her mother and her mother sacrificed everything for him, and they would each do it in a heartbeat for her. That DiNozzo followed the trail and somehow — he doesn’t know exactly _how much_ yet, but that will be their story when they want to share it — somehow, he found Ziva. 

The conversation seems to be winding down, logistics worked out on their reunion in the city of lights he (they) now calls home. 

“I love you too… See you soon. Both of you.” 

The call ends, and she stares at the screen for moment, until she ultimately turns it off and stuffs it into a side pocket. Suddenly she stills, as though she hears a distant threat, and just when he thinks she’s about to call him out, smoking him out from his berth, she thinks twice, bites her lip, then heads forward towards the street, leaving one life and at last rejoining another. 

He wonders how his heart can at once be so full and so shattered. Once she drives off, the full weight of the last few days hits him, and the grief washes over him, in rolling waves crashing into the banks of his mind. 

He will find her a thousand times over, in heaven and on Earth, every day until he is but dust blowing in the wind.

**Author's Note:**

> WHOO BOY. What a wild ride that episode was. This just hit me as soon as it was over and I wanted to get it all out. I'm still processing "Into The Light" and I suspect we all be for months. What a punch to the gut it was, but man, did some of those things need to be said. I'm just glad Ziva is alright, and she and Gibbs will work this out someday.
> 
> (Apologies for all typos, I wrote this in an hour and didn't proofread.)


End file.
